The Quest for a Viable Franchise

Wow that was a terible transition. Hi there. Though I’d try something new. I am reviewing this film in real time! Not for you, but I’m writing as I’m watching. Superman IV – The Quest for Peace. I’ve not heard good things about it.

So we started about 7 minutes ago with the longest and most terrible opening credits ever. The planet Earth below, names flying up and then behind the planet. If you can’t afford to do it properly, do something else. Then there were some Russian Cosmonaughts, something hit their station, it spun out of control, a guy floated away. Superman shows up to save the day. Cool. No. His cape is fluttering in the wind. The space wind. There is no wind in space. He was breathing heavily. Breathing what? Then he spoke to them, and they heard him. So did we. I know he’s superman, but sound cannot travel in space. So wrong there.

Then in Smallville, Clark takes some power thing from his pod – why never taken before? Doesn’t want to sell the farm to non-farmers. OK.

In prison now. Outside rock breaking – Rambo style. Lex Luther has used a terrible scheme that would never work to escape, involving his punk cousin, with a flash car. The guards are trapped in it.

Ad break… Now 73 is out. Poker Face!

We’re back in Metropolis. Good times. I’ve never seen Superman. The original. Can you believe it? I’ve got it on the Love Film list.

Oh no! The subway driver has fallen asleep! Oh never mind, he saved us. Lois – or someone – couldn’t get his attention. Daily Planet has shitty new owner. Oh. My. God! His headlines are irresponsible. His daughter who will be “helping” is hot though.

President on TV. We gotta make more nucs! I loved the Cold War. Some school teacher now with a class of cynics. She’s hot too. Museum tour with one of Superman’s hair. Lex is there to steal it! With his dumb sidekick.

A kid has written to Superman telling him to get rid of all the nucs. Good idea I say. Why hasn’t he done this already? Truth is, if Superman had really been around, the cold war would have gone very differently. Probably. Though maybe he was behind MAD?

30 mins in. It’s shit, but not nearly as shit as I had been expecting. Still, there’s time.

Oh, he’s forbidden to interfere. I see. Wait, no I don’t. What about all the interfering he does everyday? Did Vietnam happen in Superman reality?

He’s told Lois he’s Superman. Again. Wonder if she’ll remember this time?

What the hell? He let her go and she just floated along? How the fuck does that work? Wait… What? They jumped off a building, he had the suit and the glasses a second later, and she doesn’t know it’s Clark? This is so unclear. She didn’t realise. Has she just forgotten that? Can she not remember every time she see’s Superman? I don’t remember that from the third one. I’m so confused.

Oh good he’s telling the kid he’ll do it. He’s telling the whole UN. Or UN type thing. They all seem pretty happy out it. They’re firing them and he’s sending them into space. Into a big net? Seriously, WTF? Lame. Throw that into the sun? Yes, into the sun.

Ads.

Back to Luther. Remember him? With a couple of hussies and some evil geniuses who like nucs and war. Lex has a way to destroy Sups. Using the sun. and some “genetic strew.” He’s get sick. Lex is cloning Superman now I think. Oh that rings a bell, think I’ve heard about this. It’s original, not like we had two Superman’s battling in say, Superman III. Oh yes we did.

50 minutes though. Lex has launched a missile. Don’t know where he got it from. Sup has it, throwing it away… at the sun… explodes… red bit shoots back, it’s a foetus? It grown to a man, a scary man with blonde hair and long shiny nails, not played by Reeve. Who didn’t notice any of this, and is now badly participating in an aerobics class with the hot girl. That trainer has short shorts. The film clearly had a deal with Adidas. She is smoking. Haha, Clark threw the barbell the he guy. Totally owned.

Lex’s Superclone has come home to see Daddy. How did he know how to get there? Who knows. Who make his gay suit? Who knows. Why can he light cigars with his fingers? Because the sun has given him eternal heat. Oh no, he’s rebelling already. Yeah, kill the sidekick. Shit he didn’t. He’s very oily. The way that sidekick says “oh no” is so annoying. Superclone needs the sun or he’s cold and useless. That’s where he gets his power. Isn’t that also where Superman gets his power? How come he works at night.

This will be gay. Superman and Lois, and the hot girl and Clark have a double date. This may have worked on Mrs. Doubtfire, but this is meant to be about the Man of Steel!

Fuck Lois is old. And who chooses her costume. And why is Metropolis New York. Does Superman stop 9/11 in the DC universe?

This switcheroo shit is so lame. Finally. Lex is on the big screen. Only Clark can here him. But can’t we all see him? Let me guess. The original and clone meet.

Aren’t clones meant to be the same as the original? Or in fact a little worse? Like a photocopy. Is Superclone a mix of Sups and Lex? Is that why he has Lex’s voice? I should have been listening better.

So Superclone burns the tiles he walks on, but not his clothes. OK.

Yes! Superdudes fighting each other! Will it be as awesome as Superman II? Why is he destroying the Great Wall of China?

What!!!! Since when could blue beams out of Superman’s eyes REBUILD masonry? He’s in a bit ice cube now. Superclone used super cool breath to do it. In space. Go figure.

Supercone’s nails just extended. Like fucking Wolverine. Well more like that bitch off X2. don’t remember the name.

How did Superclone learn to speak? He grew from space-foetus to space-man in 15 seconds.

Why build a set of that wall and grass? That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen! We didn’t even need that scene. Is Superman dead? Is he powerless? Oh good, hot girl has stood up to her dad.

Evil Superclone could have been cool, without the redicous nails, the stupid voice, and gay suit. Ah, Clark has the last energy of Kypton. Of course. Good good he didn’t use that in any of the other movies. I mean it totally already existed, oh yeah, he had it just chose not to use it until the fourth cinematic outing.

By the way, I’ve been generally very nice and generous not dumping of the effects of this movie. That’s because I have read that it had a tiny budget, but Reeve really wanted to get his anti nuc message out. And assuming I am right in remembering this stuff, respect to that, and so I can take a few shit FX.

OK, all shit FX.

Why does he want the woman? Lois or hot girl? It makes no sense. Or I wasn’t listening. Drop an elevator on the moon that seems to have extraordinarily high gravity. Why not. Oh no, the sun’s come up. That’ll rejuvenate Superclone. As the flag tries not to shake in the wind. Don’t have men with capes fighting on the moon if you can’t afford to make it work. Sorry, said I wouldn’t bitch about FX. But that’s not FX, that’s physics.

Superclone is cut up I’ll give him that.

Super is ready. Hurry up movie.

Fuck it. I’m going for dinner. The movie only has like 7 minutes to go. Hahahaha!!! The flag is held stiff by a not at all disguised pole along the top.

Wait, Sups has pushed the moon into a solar eclipse, bad dude has lost power!! The tides would surely have gone crazy no? Sups has rescued hot girl. Killed bad by dropping him into a power plant?

Daily Planet back to proper paper. Good stuff.

According to the TV info Superclone is called Protean Man, and he is an android. None of that was said or even implied in the movie. The day is saved, that’s good. Good message from the Big Man at the end. Lex still on the loose… no he’s got him.